In a surprise move earlier this week President Bush all but pardoned I. ‘Scooter’ Libby from his five counts of obstruction of justice. In other words, The Decider had decided to reverse the decision of those whose job it is to decide things shortly after the decision was already decided. In a fit of charity some Republicans passed out a collection jar to help Scooter in his plight, raised 5,000,000 dollars in unmarked bills, that Vice President Cheney himself heisted in an armored car robbery on the way to The White House, knowing full well that President Bush would have a preemptive pardon waiting for him when he got back. Libby’s fine was 250,000 dollars so it looks as if he took a huge loss.


Congressional Democrats who are outraged at The Deciders decision, have promised to make a thorough non-partisan investigation, investigating all possible reasons why they once again failed to act on behalf of the people.

Karl Rove who’s freshly back from his ritual, blood bath and gang rape therapy, had this to say, “Hey, all he did was pardon a criminal, so we wouldn’t get squealed on, you know how it is. It’s nothing like getting a blow job in the oval office. Why just the other day, I was out with Tony Snow fag bashing, and I says to his I says, Man those Clinton’s have no respect for our country.”He then entertained the White House press by tearing up The Constitution put the pieces in a black top hat then pulled out the decaying head of Mother Teresa, and ate it in one bite. He received a standing ovation.


President Bush also had pardons ready for Mike Foley, and for his fund raiser had gotten together twenty two - eight year old boys from Tibet sent to his house in ribbons. A pardon also came up for Jack Abramoff and as a parting gift he away given a job at Bush’s new oil facility in the Middle East complete with executive rape rooms. When asked if he would give a pardon to the young man who was caught having sex with a 16 year old girl when he was 17 and got 25 years in jail for it President Bush responded, “Are you kidding he’s black!”

The following transcript is almost exactly the words of the greatest document ever written, The Declaration of Independence. The changes I made are in the numbers where the founding fathers charged King George III with crimes to spark the Revolutionary War. Here is the twist see if you can guess what charges belong to King George III and George Bush the lesser. I even changed the language of the modern charges to try and replicate the time so it should prove a challenge. How many will you get right? Goog luck and no peeking!


(above: The King and The Kook)

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

(1)He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

(2)He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

(3)He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

(4)He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

(5)He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

(6)He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

(7)He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

(8)He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

(9)He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

(10)He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

(11)He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

(12)He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

(13)For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

(13)For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

(14)For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

(15)For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

(16)For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

(16)For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

(17)For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

(18)He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

(19)He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

(20)He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

(21)He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

In honor of our one year anniversary, we at the Geekly Planet would like to reprint our first story tackling one of the toughest issues in America today.

Protesters Gather At Frog Pig Wedding

Louisiana Swamp:
As Kermit the Frog And Ms. Piggy renew their wedding vows on their
24th wedding anniversary, protesters appear outside Mr. The Frogs
multi-million dollar swampland lily pad.

(Above: The early gathering outside Kermits House)

The honorable Father Ronald J. Snarfblat leader of the Evangelical group P.A.M.W.A.O.S.T. (People Against Muppet Weddings And Other Such Things) had this for comment, “This is preposterous and unholy, we can’t just have any Peter, Paul and, Piggy getting married just because they love each other, I’m not happy so I don’t see why anyone else should have a good time!”

(Above: The Honorable Father Snarfblat)

All heck broke loose when a protester held a sign that read, “Frog
And Swine Not our Kind!” Then Ms. Piggy-The Frog and Animal started
kicking the holy beJesus out of everyone. The Swedish Chef was the
only one in the wedding party available for comment had this to
say, “Fling die Funey Funey Fune, Schliet die Huney hune, Schliet die Hun!” Now who could argue with that deep sentiment?

(Animal about to go midevil on yo ass)

As the most un-Muppet-like brew ha-ha broke down, the soulful sound
of the Electric Mayhem was playing in the distance. One protester was heard saying, “Think of their children, yuck!”

That being said there is the issue of an undisclosed sum of money
deposited in Kermit and Piggy’s bank account, and the use of real pork being used in Ron Howard’s new movie ‘Green Eggs and Ham’. Not Kermit, Mr. Howard, nor the green ham, is available for comment, at this time.

(above: Kermit the Frog saying "No comment."

Don’t sit under the cherry Tree-
SWM looking for a pretty young colonial babe, I am honest, hardworking and have high aspirations. I like long boat rides in cold weather, and a peaceful man but not afraid to stand my ground. Looking for a woman with good teeth that likes to sew. Give a call and tell me if you’re curious about Ol’ George.
George Washington


Come play with my quill-
Highly educated and motivated man ready to make waves and break hearts, I’m looking for a strong independent woman who likes her house clean and her men dirty. I’m an aspiring writer who’s practicing law, but perfecting love. Don’t let my bad rap fool you, being fluent in French I am the Ambassador of romance.

John Adams


Mo’ Money Mo’ Money-
SWM Looking for a lady that wants to be spoiled. I have a weakness for all things French, a mind for real estate, and a plan to be the lead dog. Let me make you an idependant declaration, If you want to be spoiled call T. Jeff!

I like ‘em BIG-
Southern gentleman, looking for large pleasant woman to hold and love, must make grits n’ gravy. I may not look like much, but I have it where it counts. I can’t stand England with their red coats and ‘bangers’, give me a good sausage any day. If you’re my large and lovely, then let me ring your southern bell.
James Madison

Looking for a discrete affair-
Tall, pale, hansom, & liking them young. Looking for a worldly NY girl who’s barely legal. Ready to settle on some rustic Louisiana property, and ready to give some ‘good feelings’ to a willing lady.
James Monroe



JQ Adams
I need a worldly woman- Got’s to be FINE, I mean my Pops was President! I like English chicks with a sense of the arts. If you need a man with eloquence JQ something different.



Andrew Jackson
America’s most popular- I’m on the 20, What more do you need to know? I will kill or die by the honeys. They did not call me Ol’ Hickory because I like trees, know what I mean? Yea baby, I'm on the 20.



Martin Van Buren-
Short in stature but tall on love- Professional white male looking to secure my place in history. My friends may call me Little Michigan but you can call me Big Pappa. No Hoes please.



William Henry Harrison-
Tip yur canoe? – Short term affairs only.



John Tyler It’s no accident-
Our eyes will meet and I will be yours, ready for some time by the mexicalie border? Give me a chance ‘cause Tyler too has his eyes on you.


James K Polk
Call me Dark Horse- Ladies what can I say? I am strong dark an’ hansom. Getting’ me some property 49 out in Oregon. Oh yea, listen, A. Jack, on the twenty, he’s my peeps.





Zachary Taylor
‘Rough and Ready’-Lookin’ for loyalty, I’m in it for the big one bitches. Just a man of the people tryin’ to make my way. Once you had Zach you’ll never go back.





Millard Fillmore
Lookin for a redhead-
Small ideas, but powerful friends, ladies stick with me you’ll go places.



Franklin Pierce
Do it yourself- Mellow laid back kind of guy, looking for a woman who likes to make her own choices, Looking to settle in New Mexico, so let’s get on that train and go.



James Buchanan
I'm a loner, a rebel-Marriage Great Dred Scott No!! I just want to dabble in some romantic encounters, nothing serious. You get in trouble that’s for the next guy to fix. Look me in the eyes you know you want me.



Abraham Lincoln
Proclaim your emancipation here! Give tall dark and honest a try, without a doubt I am the little engine that could, I got it all, a sense of justice, winning smile, and a love of theater. Reserve yourself a Booth and come play with the original Lincoln Log.


Andrew Johnson -
Pardon Me, Pardon you, Listen if you have to live in Lincoln’s shadow you’d have trouble getting chicks too. So let’s run off to Tenn. and you can beg my pardon.


Ulysses S. Grant -
Not a lover a fighter! No puzzle here ladies, look in my eyes I expect your immediate and unconditional surrender.


Rutherford B. Hayes -
Isaac no relation! But like him I’m a big man who’s big on love, keep your hands off the booze though, you need to know my lovin’ with a sound mind.


James Garfield
You can call me Dark Horse- Not because I’m the underdog. You’ll win prestige with ol’ Gar, love me now, because I may not stick around.


Chester A. Arthur
Son of a preacher man!!! Need I say more, no Asians, please.


Grover Cleveland
What’s in a name? I’m like Smuckers, with a name like Grover he’s got to be good!


Benjamin Harrison
Meet me on the front porch- Come on ladies you know what they say about short men; ‘Little Ben’ will make you again and again.



Grover Cleveland
I’m back, bitches!


William McKinley
Think about it you and me, annexed in Puerto Rico together. Oh Si si si!


Theodore Roosevelt
Moustache rides free!!!!! Wanna get the Bull Moose by the horndog, let me show you what the BIG STICK policy was really about.


William H. Taft
Let me put the corn in your Barn! I am a big man who’s big on L-O-V-E! Let the Chief Justice take you to the Philippines and bind you up like sweet lady justice.


Woodrow Wilson
The ladies call me Woody! I want to make the world safe, for intimacy! You and me can break the hearts of the world; no Germans please.


Warren G. Harding
You can call me Warry G. Not interested in friendships, call me, let me show you the Harding Heart Attack.


Calvin Coolidge
I’m gonna be somebody!! Like someday I am gonna wake up and just be President! I am the strong and silent type. If that’s your thing you can call me Cal!!!


Herbert Hoover
Turn that frown upside down, When things don't go my way, I don’t go into a great depression about it. I call the boys and start anew.


Franklin D. Roosevelt
The only thing you have to fear-Is a night without Franky Roe. I enjoy being cerebral with a woman who likes to sit. Let me be your good neighbor and I’ll come down on you like an A-bomb!


Harry S. Truman
“Mr. Fair Deal” I’ll come down on you like the moon and the stars from heaven.


Dwight Eisenhower
You’ll like Ike too- Atoms for peace baby, and in the goodness of time we can be as one.


JFK
I say to you, Ask not what your President can do to you, rather ask what you can do to your President. Just don’t ask Ms. Monroe about the ‘missile crisis’.


Lyndon B. Johnson
You know, Latin countries call me El-B.J.!!


Richard M. Nixon
‘I am not a crook’, but I'll steal your heart. That’s right ladies there is no need to fight over me, there is enough ‘tricky Dick’ to go around, you catch my drift?



Gerald R. Ford-
So your last man made you lose your faith in everything. Let me hold you and make it all better.


Jimmy Carter-
Sometimes you feel like a nut-


Ronald Reagan-
You know you can’t “Just say no”- I am the man ladies, actor, comedian, and president, the total package! Like Star Wars I am out of this world.


George H. W. Bush-
Read my lips I WILL NOT finish in your mouth!


Bill Clinton-
MWM, Musician, Pothead, looking for discrete ‘anything goes’ encounter with any woman other than my wife. Right applicant will have gushy office job, and Dry Cleaning bill paid. EOE


George W. Bush-
Slow and Sassy! That’s me, but I got’s me some green baby! Meet my friend Dick! Heh Heh Gotcha Bitches!

Mid West America(GP) The American bald eagle marked a four-decade fight for survival Thursday as the government declared the bird _ a national symbol _ no longer requires the protection of the federal Endangered Species Act. Hunters everywhere are rejoicing at the bald eagle's newfound status.

(Above: A lone hunter enjoying his first open air bald eagle hunt.)

"Today I am proud to announce the eagle has returned, them thar things is some good eating!” announced Billy-Joe Snarfblatt, head of the B.E.H.A.A.Y. (Bald Eagle Hunters Association of America Y’all) We’ve been waiting for this day along time now and Johnny Lawman has finally said we can bring these birds back to the threat of extinction so our families can taste true American heritage.”

(Above: Three eagles tagged for scientific purposes)

Today there are nearly 10,000 bald eagles in the contiguous 48 states, this means all Americans can rejoin in the slaughter of our national symbol, it only goes to show if our leaders can do it figuratively, then Joe America should be able to do it literally.”

He promised that "from this point forward we will work fast enough to ensure that the eagle never again gets the protection of the communist employed Endangered Species Act."

“There were once believed to be as many as a half million bald eagles in North America, predating the Europeans' arrival and that is clearly over population, we can’t let THEM take over now can we?. Then The Continental Congress put the bird onto the country's official seal in 1782, even though Benjamin Franklin preferred the turkey and called the eagle a "bird of bad moral character now who can argue with ol’ Ben."

(Above: A never before seen photo of Ben Franklin in wide-eyed disbelief as the fathers of our country made the bald eagle it’s mascot.)

Vice President Dick Cheney is also happy as he has been hunting Bald Eagles, Baby Seals, and Humans for many years now. He feels if the nations symbol can have “bad moral character” then so can he.