All over the world UFO experts are rallying against the general publics demand to understand what the hell these things actually are. With worldwide threats of a UFO expert strike, the Geekly Planet was on hand to find out what in God’s name is actually going on here. Dexter W. Snarfblat, head of the ACUFOEA (American Council of UFO Experts of America) was able to take some time out to shed some darkness on this dizzying, otherworldly subject.

(Dexter Snarfblat in full Dress uniform)

(Other members of the ACUFOEA getting arrested for tresspassing in Roswell NM)

“It’s like this” he states, “As a UFO expert, one HAS to keep the majority of these things unidentified, it’s right there in the name. I mean every time someone figures out what one of these things are, POW! Another UFO expert is out of a job. So as a result, unless the public stops putting pressure on us to solve these enigmas, we will be holding a worldwide UFO expert strike. When that happens the Skeptics and Nay Sayers will also be out of work, thus, throwing the talk show industry in economic collapse. The ACUFOEA are actually very forthcoming, enough so to tell us the great lengths they go through to 'protect their own'. For Example, since schools are churning out these experts at an alarming rate, the number of true sightings to experts is way unbalanced. Celebrity UFO expert Jeff Albertson, AKA Comic Book Guy (of Simpson’s Fame) has this to say,

(J. Albertson Ladies Man, Actor, UFO Expert and Full Time Trekkie)

“In these days of economic hard times we have to keep everyone working, so we put out a few hoaxes ourselves. I mean are you kidding? What a gig! I literally don’t even know what the heck I am talking about. We are, in every sense, ‘no account know it alls.’ Every time one of my lady friends call me that I just say, ‘Hey your living the high life, ain’t cha babe?’ To show us what he means Jeff says this famous UFO photo:

Is really this image of the mole on Marilyn Monroe's face Magnified by 10,000

Geekly Planet Reporting Good Night

 

And now for some shameless promotion- There is a Blog called Geekly Thoughts, this is my kid bro, anywho he goes under the name Lobster Boy (he used to be a carney)

 

 With only four weeks to go until we get to vote on who’s running for Governor of Florida, strong focus is being placed on the gubernatorial candidates ability to raise funds for their campaign. Dead last in the fundraising race is candidate Tom Gallagher (R), with less than one sixth of what top candidate Charlie Crist  (R) has raised, tensions are pretty high in the Gallagher camp, Here’s what he has to say, “AW, S**T”

                

                                     

Candidate	July Fundraising Amount
Charlie Crist (R)	$335,312
Jim Davis (D)	$195,088
Rod Smith (D)	$96,006
Tom Gallagher (R)	$47,535

  “AW, S**T” Says Tom Gallagher upon seeing this chart.

 

“Box Car” Willy, Gallagher’s campaign manager, who happens to work for food, had this to say, “What we have is a very unortha-uh-unithorax-unorangat-very different campaign strategy. Such as park bench speeches, and canned food drives to feed the campaign staff.

 

 Being the only candidate in the running with a strong business back round, Gallagher truly understands it’s not good to not have any money, and with his stance on cutting taxes, it doesn’t appear he’ll be making any money any time soon. That’s not to say all is totally lost! Rummaging for loose change in payphones and arcades is not the only way Gallagher stands out, in fact, with his strong resolve on the issues of tax cuts, education reform, responsible spending and government accountability, one is left to wonder how he fits in with modern Republicans at all. When Charlie “Big Spender” Crist was asked about his Republican competition he simply said, “That guy! The one with the Yugo? I thought he was a stalker!”

 

 In the slim chance of a win, Gallagher has hired Ike Turner and ‘Herb’ from Peaches and Herb to sing, his campaign song, the 1930’s standard ‘Brother can you spare a dime’. They needed something to do.

 

 Democrats, were not speaking, as a protest of sorts, since no one has been listening for the last six years anyway.

 

 

Israel-

Hezbolha rockets get closer and closer to Israel’s second largest city and Israel insists on bombing Lebanon until the terrorists give up power. Even Secretary of State Condoleeza “Mo’ Bling” Rice could not use her extensive diplomatic experience to stop the violence. The Geekly Planet is on hand to find out why, why is there such as massive hatred, could there be a simple reason for all the bloodshed?

Muhammad Al Snarfblatzowi has joined me for an exclusive, Muhammad, “THE JEWISH INFIDEL!!!!! HE GOT HIS CHOCOLATE IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!!! Ala be praised the holiest of holy treats, there I was a happy, sunny day in the holyland, walking down the street, minding my own business, enjoying some delicious Ali’s peanut butter. (very, very good) When ,from out of nowhere, this Israeli commando comes running at me, gun in hand, yelling something I could not understand. Then, he sticks his Hershey Bar right in my peanut butter! Not only was my sacred snack desecrated by this infidel, but then, after he takes a bite, he double dips!! FOR SHAME SIR, THAT IS AN INSULT MY COUNRTY CAN, AND WILL NOT ENDURE!!!”

The commando in question is Ira P. Snarfblatenstien, a fifty-seven year old tourist visiting relatives in the area. “Oi, is this guy meshuggah or what? I come out of the candy store, Hershey Bar in hand, (I love those things it doesn’t get much better than that, except maybe a nice pastrami sandwich, where the pastrami is lean and the mustard is spicy, makes me giddy) ANYWAY, I come out the store, trying to catch up to my wife, and BOOM! I trip on my shoelace, fall right into Mr. Muhammad, my candy bar goes FLING! Right up into the air, what twenty, maybe thirty feet? comes right back down, guess where? That’s right! Right in Mr. Muhammad’s peanut butter! I think to my self this can’t be an accident so I says, ‘You got your peanut butter on my chocolate’, He starts yelling and screaming, God knows what, so I grabbed the candy bar and had a nibble, sorry when I’m stressed I get hungry. Then it was so good, I couldn’t help my self, I took another scoop of peanut butter with the candy bar. I am really sorry, it was tasty, do you really think I would have done this if I knew it would have started an international crisis?"

And so the world would have to wait.........................

With War, Famine, and Pestilence bombarding the holy heck out of the Middle East, people are wondering why there just isn’t as much Death as there used to be! They want to know how they are going to have a proper apocalypse with this shortage of death. Rumors have been flooding our offices about a break-up with in The Four Horsemen camp. The Geekly Planet was able to catch up with ‘War’ just outside of Lebanon, here’s what he had to say.

"I don’t know what’s going on with him, one day he was fine, the next he says he a bit depressed, and that work just wasn’t ‘doing it’ for him anymore, I can’t believe this! With conflicts in Iraq, Afghanistan, and now this, I’m exhausted, and don’t even get me started about the other uprisings in the rest of the world, I have Famine and Pestilence working overtime to cover his shifts for over a month now. None of us had a day off since. No biblical deity should have to experience this sort of slave labor. I actually heard that he’s in freakin' Disney World for a renewal of perspective! To think of it,‘Ruler of Hades,’ running around singing ‘It’s a Small Underworld After All’. The selfish git! We’ve been together since Genesis, now the guy has completely tarnished his reputation with respectability!”

Closed auditions were being held in LA for the lead spot in the group, 2 weeks ago. I had a chance to speak with Famine during one of his breaks. “It’s been an undead hell around here! I spoke with Ozzy Osborne, Marilyn Manson, Kerry King, and even Yanni, HA! Ozzy, ‘The Prince of Darkness’, how could ‘Americas cuddliest dad’ send shivers up your spine? Yanni was our biggest hopeful in terms of spook-value and worldwide name recognition, but ‘War, Famine, Pestilence and Yanni’ just doesn’t sound right. Getting a new leader is really putting a damper on things, not to mention slowing up production. I just took out an ad in the paper ‘Evil Undead wanted to rule underworld must have reliable transportation and own scythe, great pay, excellent benefits, DFW, EOE.’

Pestilence, ever the optimist, is also on hand to tell us his plan to find a new front man and kick start the End of Days. “Hey I got us a reality show!!!!!! It’s so cool, we’re gonna be on the next season of ‘ROCKSTAR: The Four Horsemen', I am so pumped, I can’t wait to give Dave Navarro The Plague!”

Though I was not able to speak with her, Yoko Ono has released an official statement saying that ‘despite the fact that she and Death have been dating recently, the choice to leave The horsemen, was his own, and she hopes the public will respect his wishes. Also a display of a new batch of floral art by Death, will be on display at her gallery in Manhattan.’
That bitch! First John now this! Walace ‘Scoop' Snarfblat reporting.

Earthy Crunchy Ca.-

Hear in the last of the famous California communes ‘Jerry’s Folly’ the only remaining tenant Ronald ‘Moon-dog’ Snarfblat has made a startling discovery. That, vegetables actually have feelings! Since this remarkable discovery he is the founding and only member of P.E.T.V.D. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables Dude) Here’s what he has to say. “Like man, it’s pronounced PEEVD, the T is silent like in the word little you only pronounce one of those T’s. Hey that’s ok, dude, what were we talking about again?”

When reminded he had this to add. “OH YEA! So it’s like this, I was out in the desert for my weekly peyote harvest, and when I got home I was like reeelly hungry, so I put up some water, then went out to my garden, to pick some asparagus since I had stopped eating meats (all but slim jims, they rock!) four years ago. Then I went back to the house and dropped them in the boiling water, and dude, I swear they started screaming and freaking out, man it was sick! Well, I had a seeerious case of the munchies so I ate them anyway, but when I was done I realized I just desecrated a whole freakin’ family man. It was at that moment I realized my mission in life, to get people to stop eating veggies! Hey, they have feelings too ya know.”

Upon asking what Moon dog now ate since his recent boycott on veggies he said “Veal and Foi Gras”. Having pointed out to him that you had to be excessively cruel to calves and geese to get these food products, he replied. “F**K IT MAN!, you can’t care about everything that’s what PEA’s for! They have a silent T too, don't they?"

Moon dog was later arrested for making a fool out of himself in public, which will hopefully soon be receiving stiffer penalties.

(He said Stiff)