*Disclaimer* The following is an article that I took from the Associated press. All paragraphs marked with an asterix are simply cut and paste. The rest I added to give a little color. I was looking for something to pick on, and I did not need to rewrite this. The pictures (of course) I found and added also for effect, aside from the photos and my additions the REAL article was written by Ryan Makashima. This should also make my friend Mr. Happy, well, happy. By RYAN NAKASHIMA - Associated Press Writer **LAS VEGAS(AP) The Clark County School District kicked off the first day of school Wednesday with scant resources. But it got a major donation from the scantily clad.*** ***The same day the nation's fifth largest school district began the year with some 400 teaching vacancies, the nonprofit corporation that supports it, the Public Education Foundation, accepted a $2,500 donation from a strip club, Scores Las Vegas.**

(above- The humanitarian strip club 'Scores')

Candy Apples, one of the “donator's” had this to say, “Like, oh my god, it was so cool being able to reach out and give something meaningful to the community, I am so inspired by this, I am starting The Boobs for Books Foundation, and the best part is my new implants will be a charitable tax write off.”


(above- President of The Boobs For Books Foundation, Candy Apples)

***"Thank you for your donation of $2,500, received on August 30, 2006," said a letter from foundation president Judi Steele to Scores' marketing director, Shai Cohen. "Thank you again for your willingness to support our community and invest in our children ... our future."***

***Scores raised the funds at an Aug. 23 back-to-school event called "Detention" that featured strippers dressed as teachers, schoolgirls and librarians."It's back to school time and you know what that means. Detention for everyone who has been bad!" one advertisement read.***

Speaking of detention, John Snagglebum, 10th grade student at Our Lady of Perpetual Perspiration Catholic High School had this to say, “Jesus H. Christ, Man!!!! I sneak in on a fake ID and there is Principle Father Snarfblat, getting a lap dance from my sister!! So here I sit in detention for a month. I guess it’s a good thing he was not molesting my little brother!”


(from top to bottom- John Snagglebum and Father Snarfblat In the club with John's sister 'Sugar' Snagglebum and the good Father at school)

***The performers peeled off clothes and offered lap dances to customers, Cohen said. Patrons also left more than $1,000 donations in a jar that the club said would go to the Clark County School District. Scores matched the donations roughly dollar for dollar, he said.***

***"In this town, money is money, regardless," Cohen, said. "We're a respectable business. We pay taxes like everybody else. We have a business license. It's for a good cause."***

***"Education is very important," he said.***

***The foundation's director of development, Deb Hegna, said the donation was gratefully accepted.***
***"From any licensed, legitimate business, we're certainly happy to accept donations," she said, adding the gentleman's club told them it had raised the funds at a charity event.***

“Besides” she added “my good for nothing husband spends all kinds of money at that whorehouse it’s about time it did some good.”

(
above- Mr. Hegna, whom right now is in deep doo doo)

***The money was earmarked for the foundation's exchange program, which provides new or gently used materials, supplies and computers to Clark County teachers for free or little cost.***

***The district, a sprawling area covering 8,000 square miles in southern Nevada with more than 300,000 students expected this year, is the fastest growing in the nation, said school district spokesman Steve Lombard.***

***The district has had difficulty hiring teachers to keep pace with growth, especially with the high cost of housing in southern Nevada, he said. The state ranks 46th in the nation in per-pupil spending, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report.***

***The district's associate superintendent, Karlene Lee, said the district was not informed about and did not condone the flier used to promote the strip event.***

***Lee had no comment on the fundraising activities of the foundation, a separate entity which raises about $5 million a year.***

***"The donation was made to the foundation and for the inner workings of how that functions, you can contact the foundation again."***

Though there are rumors about Karlene Lee’s jaded past.
(above-Karlene Lee getting 'goosed' by celebrity sex offender, President Bill Clinton)

James K Polk
Call me Dark Horse- Ladies what can I say? I am strong dark an’ hansom. Getting’ me some property 49 out in Oregon. Oh yea, listen, A. Jack, on the twenty, he’s my peeps.





Zachary Taylor
‘Rough and Ready’-Lookin’ for loyalty, I’m in it for the big one bitches. Just a man of the people tryin’ to make my way. Once you had Zach you’ll never go back.





Millard Fillmore
Lookin for a redhead-
Small ideas, but powerful friends, ladies stick with me you’ll go places.



Franklin Pierce
Do it yourself- Mellow laid back kind of guy, looking for a woman who likes to make her own choices, Looking to settle in New Mexico, so let’s get on that train and go.



James Buchanan
I'm a loner, a rebel-Marriage Great Dred Scott No!! I just want to dabble in some romantic encounters, nothing serious. You get in trouble that’s for the next guy to fix. Look me in the eyes you know you want me.



Abraham Lincoln
Proclaim your emancipation here! Give tall dark and honest a try, without a doubt I am the little engine that could, I got it all, a sense of justice, winning smile, and a love of theater. Reserve yourself a Booth and come play with the original Lincoln Log.

What Ken Lay is doing right now.


Dick Cheney preparing for hunting trip, photo by Harry Whittington.


For Sale- Fully Furnished, Slightly Stained,


"Did you see the knockers on that chick, they are out to here!"


"Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect Harmony..........."


"Slowly I turned, Step by step, Inch by Inch........" (Mr. Blair's reaction to continued criticism by British press)


"We're here for Starbuck, We're here for Starbuck....."


Donald Rumsfeld, hoping to resurrect his political career after W.


Saddam hoping to capture the hearts and minds of America's youth, with an image makeover.


Fishing with the first family in Louisianna

Solar System-

All over our universe, a controversy of intergalactic proportions is taking place. The definition of planets has changed and the ninth planet Pluto was fired.  “He just didn’t make the cut anymore” said leading Astronomer Reggie Snarfblat. “We asked him to do three simple things; 1. Go around the Sun. 2. Have enough mass to be round and 3. Don’t obstruct anyone else’s orbit. He couldn’t do it, he’s had since the 1930’s to get his act together, it was only a matter of time before this happened. After over 80 years of shoddy service, it was sadly time to part ways."

(above-Astronomer, Reggie Snarfblat)

Venus, Pluto’s ex-girlfriend had this to say, “What a loser! I mean, I gave that guy the best millennia of my life, and he never came to see me. Always hanging out with Uranus wasting time. I told him when he got demoted I was leaving him for Hailey’s Comet, what a celestial body! He can cross my orbit anytime.”

(

From left to right- A very dejected Pluto and A Venus 'Vexed')

Problems also arose at The Lowell Observatory, (where Pluto was first discovered) as; they had to take down Clyde Tombough’s, (the discoverer of Pluto) April of 1930 employee of the month award. Tombough’s widow was heard to be quite distressed, but fellow former employee, 83-year-old Isaac Snifpatrick, (the runner up for that same award, for coming up with the idea to paint lines on the parking lot.) was seen to be ecstatic and was also heard saying,

“Victory is mine at last!!! After all these years!!! The old fool couldn’t tell a planet from any other rock in the sky!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!”

(Above on left- One of the Telescopes at Lowell. On Right-Isaac "Wang" Snifpatrick)

Pluto’s demotion caused trouble in unexpected places as well, Teachers have to change their curriculum, books need to be rewritten, Space Ranger video games need to be recalled, and one Melissa S. McCutiy had her high school diploma retracted as her 10th grade science paper entitled, ‘Pluto the Ninth Planet’ is completely false. Since she has no diploma, her doctorate in pickle growing is invalid, and she was then suddenly fired from her job at The Acme Pickle Company for lying on her application.

Disney Studios is also in upheaval, when Mickey’s famed dog heard about his namesake, Pluto then went into a deep depression. After getting addicted to painkillers, he then bit Michael Eisner, and ran off with Jessica Rabbit’s dress. No one knows where he is now, but the rumors are not pleasant.

(Above; On left- depressed pluto won't eat. On right- A barely dressed (but very sexy) Jessica Rabbit

Miami Fl-

In Miami today airport security closed down the cities airport temporarily for a suspicious piece of luggage. The luggage in question was said to have a “suspicious odor”, as well as being “extremely tasteful”. Security Officer Guido P. Snarfblat was on hand to tell us about the situation. 

“Well there I wuz see, doin’ my job, protectin’ the people an’ wat not, When suddenly my dog Roofus let’s me know his ol’ sniffers are on to sumptin’. So’s I do’s what I gots to do, look at the tag on the suitcase there, and low and behold, I can’t pronounce the name on the tag, So I put the whole freakin’ place under lockdown. Hey who knows how many lives I saved, ain’t that right Roofus?”

“Ruff” Roofus then added.

(From left to right- Officer Snarfblat and his partner Roofus)

The owners of the luggage in question is Ali and Elis Babaganoosh, who are extremely embarrassed about the situation.

“I can not believe this!” Ali exclaims, “I am not even Middle Eastern, do you see a turban? No! That is because I am Indian, look at the dot! You say there is no racial profiling I say that is B-“

“Shut up Ali!” Elis interjects, He is just upset that they looked though our baggage; you see we had to leave early, and we did not get to do laundry. Ali has somewhat of a gland problem and sweats like a cow in the sun. I do not even want to talk about the incident at the Miami Zoo involving a beach ball two Slurpies and some elephant dung, boy howdy was that a mess!”

(above- A very relaxed elephant and a very stinky Mr. Babaganoosh)

The other contents of the suitcase included some gym shoes, dirty sweat socks, Limburger cheese, scented oils, and a severely poop stained Armani suit. Some speculate that this once and for all proves that Homeland Security doesn’t know sh*t from.........