Don’t sit under the cherry Tree- SWM looking for a pretty young colonial babe, I am honest, hardworking and have high aspirations. I like long boat rides in cold weather, and a peaceful man but not afraid to stand my ground. Looking for a woman with good teeth that likes to sew. Give a call and tell me if you’re curious about Ol’ George. George Washington
Come play with my quill- Highly educated and motivated man ready to make waves and break hearts, I’m looking for a strong independent woman who likes her house clean and her men dirty. I’m an aspiring writer who’s practicing law, but perfecting love. Don’t let my bad rap fool you, being fluent in French I am the Ambassador of romance.
John Adams
Mo’ Money Mo’ Money- SWM Looking for a lady that wants to be spoiled. I have a weakness for all things French, a mind for real estate, and a plan to be the lead dog. Let me make you an idependant declaration, If you want to be spoiled call T. Jeff! I like ‘em BIG- Southern gentleman, looking for large pleasant woman to hold and love, must make grits n’ gravy. I may not look like much, but I have it where it counts. I can’t stand England with their red coats and ‘bangers’, give me a good sausage any day. If you’re my large and lovely, then let me ring your southern bell. James Madison Looking for a discrete affair- Tall, pale, hansom, & liking them young. Looking for a worldly NY girl who’s barely legal. Ready to settle on some rustic Louisiana property, and ready to give some ‘good feelings’ to a willing lady. James Monroe
JQ Adams I need a worldly woman- Got’s to be FINE, I mean my Pops was President! I like English chicks with a sense of the arts. If you need a man with eloquence JQ something different.
Andrew Jackson America’s most popular- I’m on the 20, What more do you need to know? I will kill or die by the honeys. They did not call me Ol’ Hickory because I like trees, know what I mean? Yea baby, I'm on the 20.
Martin Van Buren- Short in stature but tall on love- Professional white male looking to secure my place in history. My friends may call me Little Michigan but you can call me Big Pappa. No Hoes please.
William Henry Harrison- Tip yur canoe? – Short term affairs only.
John Tyler It’s no accident- Our eyes will meet and I will be yours, ready for some time by the mexicalie border? Give me a chance ‘cause Tyler too has his eyes on you.
James K Polk Call me Dark Horse- Ladies what can I say? I am strong dark an’ hansom. Getting’ me some property 49 out in Oregon. Oh yea, listen, A. Jack, on the twenty, he’s my peeps.
Zachary Taylor ‘Rough and Ready’-Lookin’ for loyalty, I’m in it for the big one bitches. Just a man of the people tryin’ to make my way. Once you had Zach you’ll never go back.
Millard Fillmore Lookin for a redhead- Small ideas, but powerful friends, ladies stick with me you’ll go places.
Franklin Pierce Do it yourself- Mellow laid back kind of guy, looking for a woman who likes to make her own choices, Looking to settle in New Mexico, so let’s get on that train and go.
James Buchanan I'm a loner, a rebel-Marriage Great Dred Scott No!! I just want to dabble in some romantic encounters, nothing serious. You get in trouble that’s for the next guy to fix. Look me in the eyes you know you want me.
Abraham Lincoln Proclaim your emancipation here! Give tall dark and honest a try, without a doubt I am the little engine that could, I got it all, a sense of justice, winning smile, and a love of theater. Reserve yourself a Booth and come play with the original Lincoln Log.
Andrew Johnson - Pardon Me, Pardon you, Listen if you have to live in Lincoln’s shadow you’d have trouble getting chicks too. So let’s run off to Tenn. and you can beg my pardon.
Ulysses S. Grant - Not a lover a fighter! No puzzle here ladies, look in my eyes I expect your immediate and unconditional surrender.
Rutherford B. Hayes - Isaac no relation! But like him I’m a big man who’s big on love, keep your hands off the booze though, you need to know my lovin’ with a sound mind.
James Garfield You can call me Dark Horse- Not because I’m the underdog. You’ll win prestige with ol’ Gar, love me now, because I may not stick around.
Chester A. Arthur Son of a preacher man!!! Need I say more, no Asians, please.
Grover Cleveland What’s in a name? I’m like Smuckers, with a name like Grover he’s got to be good!
Benjamin Harrison Meet me on the front porch- Come on ladies you know what they say about short men; ‘Little Ben’ will make you again and again.
Grover Cleveland I’m back, bitches!
William McKinley Think about it you and me, annexed in Puerto Rico together. Oh Si si si!
Theodore Roosevelt Moustache rides free!!!!! Wanna get the Bull Moose by the horndog, let me show you what the BIG STICK policy was really about.
William H. Taft Let me put the corn in your Barn! I am a big man who’s big on L-O-V-E! Let the Chief Justice take you to the Philippines and bind you up like sweet lady justice.
Woodrow Wilson The ladies call me Woody! I want to make the world safe, for intimacy! You and me can break the hearts of the world; no Germans please.
Warren G. Harding You can call me Warry G. Not interested in friendships, call me, let me show you the Harding Heart Attack.
Calvin Coolidge I’m gonna be somebody!! Like someday I am gonna wake up and just be President! I am the strong and silent type. If that’s your thing you can call me Cal!!!
Herbert Hoover Turn that frown upside down, When things don't go my way, I don’t go into a great depression about it. I call the boys and start anew.
Franklin D. Roosevelt The only thing you have to fear-Is a night without Franky Roe. I enjoy being cerebral with a woman who likes to sit. Let me be your good neighbor and I’ll come down on you like an A-bomb!
Harry S. Truman “Mr. Fair Deal” I’ll come down on you like the moon and the stars from heaven.
Dwight Eisenhower You’ll like Ike too- Atoms for peace baby, and in the goodness of time we can be as one.
JFK I say to you, Ask not what your President can do to you, rather ask what you can do to your President. Just don’t ask Ms. Monroe about the ‘missile crisis’.
Lyndon B. Johnson You know, Latin countries call me El-B.J.!!
Richard M. Nixon ‘I am not a crook’, but I'll steal your heart. That’s right ladies there is no need to fight over me, there is enough ‘tricky Dick’ to go around, you catch my drift?
Gerald R. Ford- So your last man made you lose your faith in everything. Let me hold you and make it all better.
Jimmy Carter- Sometimes you feel like a nut-
Ronald Reagan- You know you can’t “Just say no”- I am the man ladies, actor, comedian, and president, the total package! Like Star Wars I am out of this world.
George H. W. Bush- Read my lips I WILL NOT finish in your mouth!
Bill Clinton- MWM, Musician, Pothead, looking for discrete ‘anything goes’ encounter with any woman other than my wife. Right applicant will have gushy office job, and Dry Cleaning bill paid. EOE
George W. Bush- Slow and Sassy! That’s me, but I got’s me some green baby! Meet my friend Dick! Heh Heh Gotcha Bitches!
Who is the man, became the first black president? OBAMA! Can ya dig it! My middle names Hussien rhymes with insane, and that is what I do to the ladies.
Northeastern states are in a huff over a beer manufacturer about inappropriate labels. The powers that be insist that these labels “are meant to target children” and is “inappropriate to see Santa holding a beer.” Why? Is Santa not over 21? After his around the world toys for tots journey is he not allowed to kick back with a cold one and pinch Mrs. Clause’s tushy? Do we really not have anything better to worry about than the label on a bottle, that this is what we put into our court system? Of course it is! Evil is every where and we must protect our precious children from these harmful things like suggestive labels and porn masquerading as art.( The cleavage on the Mona Lisa is most disturbing) We must as a society protect our youth from these perverts by outlawing everything we deem offensive.
Republicans Take Thanksgiving Approach To Ca. Wildfires
Southern California-(GP) Governor Schwartzenagger is so far proud of his state’s response to the wildfire. “You have seen it, zey got zere within twenty minutes before the first phone call, then when zey whene zet could not put it out zey left, but zey said zey’ll be back, I myself have seen zee front lines of the fire and threw some papers in for zat puny girly man George W. Bush. Zee only one who was closer zen me was Geraldo Rivera whose moustache muscles were bulging so big the fire was practically scared out.”
Rudy Giuliani, who is legally changing his name to 911 next week, came out to roast hotdogs and marshmallows, pandering to the California vote much like he did in Boston. “Man let’s hear it for these California firemen! They are much better than those New York guys! Let’s not forget that if we do not fight fires we let the terrorist win. They will attack again you know and only people like myself who experienced 911 himself came stop them. This fire might very well be an act of terror by the very same 911 terrorists. 911 911 911.”
In an attempt to prove that he has learned from the Katrina disaster President Bush has made several changes in policies, concerning Government response to national disasters. First and foremost he waited less than a week for a good photo opportunity, creating a better, more compassionate image for the President. Also there was not a single “Fires Extinguished” banner or aircraft carrier anywhere to be found. He was though, left wondering why there were no poles to slide down. “Heh Heh, we learned some valuable lessons after Katrina, this time I listened to what my dear Mom used to say about the leftovers on Thanksgiving, Save the white meat! Heck of a job Arnie!”
In a race for the latest in high fashion trendy electronics, Apple Computers has just announced the latest in high-tech, portable comforts. For the discriminating shopper who has just about everything but still wants fries with that, Apple has given us the Fry-Pod 3000. An almost travel friendly deep fryer that hooks directly up to your I-Pod so you can make your own doughnuts on the way to work in the morning, and freedom fries at night all whilst listening to your favorite illegal Ben Folds download. (above; the compact Fry-Pod 3000 with I-Phone)
It comes complete with cigarette lighter recharge cable and 20% off coupon for Lard Brand Cooking Oil. So not only is it fast and friendly but fiscally sound as well. Enjoy your favorite fried foods on the go as you make your very own fish and chips on road trips, saving you both time and money. (Watching your figure is easy, the Fry-Pod way!)
Have a hankering for fried ice cream? No problem for the Fry-Pod, after you bread the ice cream a delicious snack is ready for the kids, right in the comfort of the car. Homeless guy asking for food? Easy task for the Fry-Pod, with the back pack attachment you can take your Fry-Pod virtually anywhere.
Wait, there’s more, with condiment pack you can get and in dash ketchup, mustard, and spice dispenser, along with our patented relish belt buckle. Everyone who cares about deep frying the convenient and safe way, in the car, should plug this bad boy to your I-Phone. When your foods ready you’ll hear your favorite song on your MP3 player. What more do you need? (Heavily endorsed by the Michelin Man's illegitimate love children.)
Science and Technology: Gay Gene Found At Upper West Side Dinner Party With Harvey Firestien
NYC, New York (GP) - At a tasteful dinner party on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, scientist, Emmanuel R. Snugglebottum accidently comes across a startling discovery. The elusive gay DNA gene that researchers and the community have been hoping to find in order to put to rest the ignorance and stubbornness of the general population.
It was in fact a closely guarded secret that ‘gay gene’ has been in a long term committed relationship with popular Broadway actor/producer Harvey Firestien. Here is what he has to say, “OH MY GAWD! How could this happen? Who invited Dr. Snugglebottum? I have to call my mother!” (Pictured above; Harvey Firestien and the ellusive 'gay gene' not to be confused with Gay Gene on the far right)
Dr. Snugglebottum said, he would not have even recognized the gene had he not known the difference between pink and salmon.
Having been outed in such a pubic manner ‘Gay Gene’ has decided to release this offical statement. “Hay-all, boy is this a pickle! Well I guess you want to know where I came from and what I am all about. You see I originated in an underground lab in the 1920's (They didn’t call ‘em roaring for nothing!) By a bunch of underground female scientists. They started the idea of genetically producing the perfect man, you know one that can bath, dress themselves, enjoy shopping, have tasteful decorating sense, and really get a kick out of nick-nacks. ANYWAY, through a missed placed decimal point they created me, the father of queens, if you will. I have since traveled the world and have gone everywhere (except Iran) literally sucking people into my lifestyle, and pushing forward my agenda. That is, by the way, to make show-tunes and boxer briefs legitimate art forms.” He then added “ROSEMARY CLOONEY ROCKS!” (above; Rosemary Clooney indeed she does rock!)
